These dogs look like they have good credit.
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.