Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

😸

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.