Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.