Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.