These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
same vibe as tangled headphones
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
barbara was highly relatable
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
You know…for fall…
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously