These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*