Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

All of my best ideas involve jail time.