These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Lassie, get help!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.