“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
BRO LMFAO
