These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”