These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*


Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.


Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!


This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”


[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon


The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring


I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”


I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.


At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist