@BonecrusherJenk

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

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@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@jessicaabrownnn

Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”

@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@AbbyHasIssues

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@Jennifergr8

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

@a_simpl_man

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist