Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.