these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Mountain Goat : )
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m not proud
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’