these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.