These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Welcome
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Expect the unexporcupine.