These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.