@JohnLyonTweets
@KentWGraham
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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@KentWGraham
@PetrickSara
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
@SatansTongue
*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*
@TheIronSherk
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
@djr_102
My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.
@AmishPornStar1
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
@david8hughes
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
@elle91
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
@DothTheDoth
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
@AndLookPretty
Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.
Are you calling me fat?