@JohnLyonTweets
@_making_friends
I’m currently between relationships.
The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
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@_making_friends
@ThugRaccoons
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DONβT YOU?!?
@SirEviscerate
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
@metafroth
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
@sf14
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
@ericsshadow
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
@junejuly12
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
@im_srishabh21
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
@thepaulasuzanne
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”