@JohnLyonTweets

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

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@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@PetrickSara

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

@SatansTongue

*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@djr_102

My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?