These fireworks are awesome! High four!

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I’m currently between relationships.

The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.


Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?


Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.


How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.


Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”


In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.


Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”