@JohnLyonTweets

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

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@_making_friends

I’m currently between relationships.

The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

@metafroth

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@ericsshadow

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

@thepaulasuzanne

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”