These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .