“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
