Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.