These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%