These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Ion see the issue
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups