Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.