Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Windchimes

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered