“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
