Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England