These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco