Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Oh no

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift