Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

181.

I think about this a lot

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.