These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.