These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him