Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

never forget

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

sigh