These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
never forget
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
sigh