These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
