Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

2 years later

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this