These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
i love meeting boys on tinder
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Yeah. This was me today.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.