Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Do not levitate over flowers

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.