These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here