Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Actually cracking up @ this
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.