“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Good advice.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel