“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You Might Also Like
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Super Hand Dog Face
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
