These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.