These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
How animals would run if they were human
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.