These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential