These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
You Might Also Like
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Breaking news:
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
🏙👨🏼
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*