These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
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Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.