These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.