These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Well, this is awkward
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.