Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

hmm conte-me mais

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

getting corrected

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

The glockness monster

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.