Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.