Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

HERE’S MARKY

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁