These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.