These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Natural selection at its finest
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
