These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
