These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My life coach traded me.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
So we got a goldfish…
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Real 😅
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
