these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You Might Also Like
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
