these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Cardio Made Easy
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now