these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”