I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
That was easy.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.