These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.