These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason


My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.


The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.


Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?


If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.


Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.


Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.


ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast


you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.


How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer