Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
i made a craigslist ad !
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”