@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

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@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@danagould

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@Darlainky

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

@Kauaibride

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

@karlkovacs

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer