Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

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