These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Wait a minute…
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.