These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
You Might Also Like
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
murder on the timeline
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Bruh
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU