These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Something Saturday.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go