These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
You saw nothing. I am ham.
my one true gender
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.