These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun