@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

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@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@BuckyIsotope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

@sixfootcandy

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

@E_lok44

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@novicefather

I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.

@david8hughes

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no