@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

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@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@shutupmikeginn

Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@jazmasta

I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

@CanadianCyn

I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.