Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I shall play you the song of my people
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.