These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
back to work
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*