These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you