These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Reporter: *ports again*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.