These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.