these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
greetings!
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?