@yaperboi

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

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@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

@LeannaZaiden

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@thedadvocate01

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.