[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!
Me: Adults don’t get snow days.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.