these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Hello Twits.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
oh my gosh!!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.