these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
making my dog give me my pills
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
just having fun
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.