These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling