These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The prophecy is fulfilled
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?